Letting Go

Over the past few days I have been overcome with emotions. Taking an adventure to Cabot, AR stirred emotions in me I hadn’t acknowledged for quite some time. You see, when I drove away from Cabot nearly 3 years ago it wasn’t under the most pleasant of circumstance. Yes, the blessings that have followed have been abundant, and life in Abilene is filled with incredible joy, memories, friends and love. Please do not think for a second I am unhappy in Abilene. I am not. That being said, it was not our “choice” to leave Arkansas.

Three years ago our family dealt with a nightmarish year filled with lawyers, judges, court dates, legal interviews, and eventually the right guy at the right time to hear our story and help us be able to live together as a family, which meant moving to Abilene. (That’s the “Cliff’s Notes.” If you want details please feel free to ask I love telling the story because it is a part of the incredible testimony of how great our God is!)

So, three years ago I drove away from Cabot with no reason to ever return. So with that drive I treated it as if I were to look back I would be a pillar of salt, and I didn’t look back. I focused on the positive and left the trauma behind me. Fast forward to this past Friday morning as I entered Little Rock. I saw it’s skyline, and the River Market, then I passed the McCain exit in North Little Rock, the LRAFB exit, and finally I took the exit for Cabot, AR. The town my new marriage was supposed begin, where we bought our first home with the red kitchen I swooned over, the dream job teaching incredible kids at the high school, the church I said my vows in, the town I was ripped from three years prior. Needless to say as I entered Cabot I realized I had emotions with which I had never come to terms.

The funny thing is I never had a reason to come back to Cabot, but nearly three years ago God placed this amazing friend in my life, and her husband in my Zach’s life, and one year ago they left us and moved to…. You guessed it, Cabot.

The trip this past weekend was not one meant to help me come to terms with anything, except maybe how to properly ride a zip line, but through quiet conversation, loud boys, hot coffee, and one drive to a beautiful house I will never live in, I let go.

I didn’t even know I needed to let go, and I really didn’t expect it to be this hard. As I walked the perimeter of a house we own I cried. I cried as I mourned a life I never got to live, neighbors I never got to know, and memories that were never made… I said goodbye to the life I had been holding onto for three years, and knew that that life was never mine. While our plan was Cabot, it was not God’s.

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11

The weekend reignited hard memories, but it also filled me with the knowledge of the blessings I have in the life God has planned for me.  The life I am living is all in God’s plans. If I am truly trusting my heavenly Father, I must let go of my past, because it is dragging me down, and keeping me from fully living out God’s plans for my family, my marriage, and my life!

As I drove away this time, I was not mournful or bitter; instead I was just bummed to be driving away from my friend. Good thing about friends, you can always make plans to see them again soon! Even better thing about letting go of bitterness and sadness, it makes room for joy!

“Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure.” Psalm 16:9

In the still of the night

The life of a military wife is sometimes one of loneliness and solitude. While yes, there are usually other wives going through similar situations, or having gone through them before, there are still moments that you just feel alone. Late at night, after the kids have gone to sleep, dishes have been done (or not sometimes), you climb into bed and look at the other half of the bed that you long to have occupied by your husband. You close your eyes ready for sleep, but sometimes sleep doesn't come. Sometimes rest alludes you for hours. You occupy your sleepless night with TV, Facebook, reading books, anything to keep you from reminding yourself you're alone. Yep, it's lonely.

But...

What if I didn't occupy my time with meaningless activities? What if instead I occupied my time embracing the quiet and reflecting on my day, my kids, my husband, my God? Even when we feel lonely, we are not alone. We can call on our gracious Heavenly Father and allow him to comfort us. 

"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted." Psalm 25:16

When I begin to think about a long time away from my husband I become overwhelmed with the looming thought of how lonely it will be, and I lose focus on the opportunity I have been given. I have an opportunity to lean on the Lord in a tangible real way. I have been in bed at night and called on God to comfort me in my loneliness. I have prayed aloud for sleep to come, and rest to come over me. I have held a crying baby in my arms at 3am and begged God to be near me. When your partner isn't near, you begin to learn the meaning of "relying on the Lord" in a whole new way.

“I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.” Psalm 121:1-2

It's not easy. But, as believers we know this life isn't meant to be easy. I have my moments of self-pity and self-doubt just like the next person, but as I reflect on the areas in which the Lord has taught me and grown me, I look at the loneliness a little differently. I see my time apart from my husband, whether it's an overnight trip or a 6 month deployment, as an opportunity I should squander or wish away. Instead, I should use the time to look for what the Lord wants to teach me, because He can. He can teach me something as simple as I am never alone. I can call on Him and find strength, comfort, company, fellowship. . . The list goes on and on. 

"So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

I do not like being alone. I miss my husband. My kids miss their dad. This is our season of life, and sometimes we have to walk through things like deployments. When we believe in Jesus Christ, and all of the promises God has given us through Him and the Holy Spirit, we are given a precious gift to be in His presence, and find comfort in His arms. 

Being Molded

I am currently reading through the study Jonah: Navigating a Life Interrupted by Priscilla Shirer. I see Jonah, so much more clearly, because at moments it is as though I am looking in a mirror. I too have run in the opposite direction of the Lord, and for less noble reasons than Jonah. Out of stubbornness, anger, frustration, I have chosen in the past to do it “my way,” and when that didn’t work I refused to ask for God’s help, because I wanted to prove I could get myself out of my own mess.

Guess what? I couldn’t. The harder I dug my heels in, the deeper my hole became, and the darker things were around me.

There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death. Proverbs 14:12

I currently have a baby, who is on his way to being a toddler, and his new “trick” is to arch his back, and stiffen his body when I try to put him in the car seat. Have you ever tried to put a toddler in a car seat when he/she didn’t want to go in it?  It isn’t easy. In fact, it is significantly harder than you would imagine considering how small they are compared to you. This is a similar situation when we harden and stiffen our hearts to when God is trying to teach us, point us in His direction. We don’t “want” to go to Ninevah, whatever/wherever that may be. It doesn’t fit into our plans, and so we arch our back, stiffen our bodies and say, “No, I don’t want to!” The difference is, God is much more powerful than us, but will not force us. He may discipline us, He may send us conviction through the Holy Spirit, or remind us to listen to Him through scripture or friends, but he will not force us the way we can force our toddler into the car seat. Instead, when we humbly submit to God’s will, He receives us. Even after Jonah fled in the opposite direction of where God wanted him to go, Jonah called out to God, and God heard him.

He said: "In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me.” Jonah 2:2

God hears us when we call to Him. He does not leave us nor forsake us. We just have to submit to Him, and allow Him to show us His path for us. “Open communication is one of the first signs of a heart being molded by God.” (Shirer, 65) How much easier will it be for God to mold me, if I don’t stiffen and harden, throw myself back in a fit, when he sets me on His path for me?

Making Himself known...

I believe conversations like this next one should always start with, "Everyone is ok, but..." So, everyone is ok, but the kids were in a car accident with their dad Friday afternoon. It was pretty serious. The car flipped/rolled and is totaled. When I heard this news my heart skipped a couple beats and I immediately began silently praising God for taking care of the kids, as I listened to the story about a patch of gravel, coming too fast around a curve. By the grace of God they walked about remotely unharmed. Sissy suffered a rash from the seat belt/airbag combination, and Bubba had a few nicks from the glass after climbing out of the vehicle window.

The kids were obviously shaken, but I couldn't have been more proud of how they handled their fears. Bubba told me as soon as they started to roll he was scared and knew he needed help. "Mommy, I was scared, but I asked God to help us, and He DID!" At 8 years old, Bubba saw God's hand protecting him and his family. He said this with such conviction and assurance.

Later that evening I called to check on them before bedtime.  I told them I had been praying prayers of thanksgiving that God had kept them safe. Bubba replied, "I know. I am still nervous and shaky, but I can't stop telling Him thank you."  Bubba knew without a shadow of a doubt he was not alone in his fear.

The hardest part of summer for me is the extended time I have to spend away from Sissy and Bubba. The time I am not "in control." The times I cannot kiss their booboos and assure them that everything is going to be ok. The times I am not there to remind them to give thanks where thanks is due. This event reminded me of a couple of things.

Firstly, I am NEVER in control. As much as I like to be, and sometimes think I am. God has a divine plan, and sometimes I am not "in on it." This is where my faith in His Grace, His Goodness, and Him being WAY smarter than me comes into focus. "I believe in God the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth." Therefore, I believe He is ultimately in control, and I trust His leadership through this life for me and my family.

Secondly, when you "train a child in the way he should go, when he is old he will not turn from it." Now, Sissy and Bubba are far from old, but I was not there to pray aloud to lead them, or remind them to thank God for His protection; however, God was there reminding them that He was with them. Bubba knew from teachings he has experienced that God is who you call on for help, protection, strength, and when he is fearful.

I am so grateful for God's protection over my children Friday. I am even more thankful that He is making himself known to them, so as they get older their faith will not be shaken. 

You better get your heart right, girl!

My brother-in-law has this quaint way of reminding his son to get his behavior in check. (He also says it with a Louisiana accent.) If my nephew, starts throwing a fit or talking back to his momma, his Daddy tells him, “You better get your mind right, boy.”  I couldn’t help think about this as I read part of Matthew this morning.

“'These people honor me with their lips,
but their hearts are far from me.
They worship me in vain;
their teachings are but rules taught by men.'
Jesus called the crowd to him and said, 'Listen and understand. What goes into a man's mouth does not make him 'unclean,' but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him 'unclean.'" Matthew 15:8-11

Jesus is talking about the Pharisees, and right before this calls them hypocrites because they are upset about tradition being broken over honoring God. How easy is it for us to read about the Pharisees and say, “Wow, I am so glad I am not like them?” But if we stop and examine our words and actions, do they match our hearts?

Do we sometimes, or often, attend church because it’s Sunday and it’s “what we’re supposed to do.” Do we take communion, sing the hymns, kneel in prayer, simply because that is the order of service and we know it by memory? Do we read our bible in the mornings, or bow our heads to pray before a meal or bedtime, as a ritual? God doesn’t want our methods, or our routines! God wants our hearts!

He wants my heart! He wants me to come to him with a heart ready to worship. A heart ready to be changed by prayer. A heart humbled by what communion represents! When I speak, and it is coming from my heart, does it match with my religious acts? Does my heart match with the motions I am going through? If it doesn’t, God is telling me, “You better get your heart right, boy.” (or girl in this case)

Dear Father God, I come before you and confess that my heart is not always in a place of worship when I come to you. So many times I let the outside world distract me, when Lord, I truly desire to honor You. I pray for your forgiveness, God, and I ask that you would continually remind me to make sure my heart is in the right place before I begin worshipping, praying, singing your praises, so that I am not a hypocrite like the Pharisees. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

Not sure of a title

Wow, I have not blogged in quite some time.  That may have a little to do with the fact that the last 3 months of 2011 came and went in a flash. If I didn't take so many photos I wouldn't have even known what happened. Life with two "big kids," and a newborn is quite hectic, especially when your hubby's job sends him away a lot. The good news is I no longer have a newborn, according to my weekly emails from  "The Bump" I now have an infant. Maybe that will lighten the load... Ha!

Regardless of the craziness life is fabulous, and our God is faithful!  I wouldn't change it for all the riches in the world.  Each day I am learning new lessons about organization, time-management, and humility. I have never considered myself a proud person, but when I am drowning and refuse to ask for help isn't that a good definition of proud to a fault?!?!  So, that's a big lesson 2012 has already taught me. I sometimes need help, and it's ok to ask for it. I am so thankful I have friends that will sometimes insist on helping when they know I need it.  Here we go then, onward and upward in 2012.

I don't have a set way I do "resolutions." This year I decided to make a list of 12 goals I would like to accomplish in 2012. Want to hear them? (Or read them, rather)

Katie's 12 for '12 (in no particular order)
1. Read 25 books (suggestions are welcome)

2. Try one brand new recipe a week (52 recipes!!!)

3. Plant an herb & vegetable garden in the backyard. (I'm thinking we'll start with tomatoes and peppers)
4. Finish Jaxon's quilt (I started a cross-stitch quilt about 6 weeks before Jax was born... needless to say not much got done on it.)

5. Write a devotional each week Zach is gone this year (there's gonna be lots of time for this at least at the beginning of 2012 ;))

6. Put in a flower bed in the front yard. (I am really going to try out this green thumb of mine, hopefully I have one!)

7. Relearn to play the guitar

8. Start my Master's degree (still debating between an English or Education Master's)

9. Pay off at least one of our major debts

10. Learn to sew

11. Run a 10K (already registered for the race, March 25!)

12. Write a poem or short story twice a month (I LOVE writing and just haven't made enough time for it.)

With these goals I am trying to go back to some things that I know are productive and make me happy, others are new and exciting, and some are continuations of things I started in 2011. I am excited for what 2012 will bring. I will be writing about some of my adventures (look for a weekly update on my recipe trying, I know I'm already a week behind), and some just ask and I'll let you know how it's going.

I have no doubt 2012 will be as busy as 2011, but my earnest prayer is for it to be filled with productivity and purpose, not just busyness.

Ready... Set... Let's Go!

Birthday #10?!?!

I can't believe that it has been a decade since I welcomed Kristyn into this world.  My life changed in obvious ways and in ways I never knew I could be changed. My life was no longer about me. I wanted more than anything to make this little girl's world amazing, exciting, safe, loving... She is a sweetheart who is always willing to share a smile and a hug. I couldn't be prouder of who she is today, and the beautiful young lady the Lord is molding her to be!

So how did my "Stinkerbell" spend her day.  The started with chocolate chip waffles, the Birthday Girl's request.  Then she headed off to school, and I took her McDonald's for lunch. Normally she gets a Happy Meal, but today was different. You see, I remember what I had for lunch for my 10th birthday.  I have a vivid memory of that meal.

We were visiting my dad in Joliet, Illinois and my mom asked what I wanted for my birthday lunch.  As many 10 year olds I wanted McDonald's, and up until that day I always ordered Happy Meals. (They weren't as expensive, and the toys held up a little better, but I digress)  That day I decided that I was now double digits, and this meant I was too old for such childish things as Happy Meals. My older sister, who was 12, always ordered a quarter-pounder with cheese when we went to McD's. By golly, this was what older, mature girls ordered, so from now on that is what I would be ordering. I love this memory. I love that I remember it so detailed, and I wanted to share that memory with Kristyn.

She enjoyed her first Quarter-Pounder with Cheese

And I enjoyed the time with her.

That evening she chose to eat dinner at Texas Roadhouse.  I am pretty sure this is the main reason for it...

She wasn't shy about getting to ride the saddle!

Lastly we opened gifts.

Priceless!

All in all, I would say birthday #10 will be incredibly memorable!